how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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