Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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