You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
