the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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