A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All the doctor said was why
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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