Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
