Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
