drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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