I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
