also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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