No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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