She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
