12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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