My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
