Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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