if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got chris browned last night
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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