Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
