forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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