I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
