I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
