Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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