What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
