i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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