oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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