He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
