Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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