Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize