Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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