I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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