Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
