don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
