she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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