You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
