I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
