Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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