just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just threw up on my dentist
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
