I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
