so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
