I'm so fucking centered right now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
