I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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