If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
