1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
