Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
