Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize