T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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