I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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