can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
