..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
not ubering you a puppy
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
