I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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