my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
