That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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