we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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