The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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