fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i wish my penis had a tongue
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
