i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
