My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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