I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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