Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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