if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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