My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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