Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
