I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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