mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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