Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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