I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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