i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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